I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
