I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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