i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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