Your face is a jimmy john
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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