ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
40s are totally the cure
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
