Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
