I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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