remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
