I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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