Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
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