today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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