I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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