i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just forgot I was standing up.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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