As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
