1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
