Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
