I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
