My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
