my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
