Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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