Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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