HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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