I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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