Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
