Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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