I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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