i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
