It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
