C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
