dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
