Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
