God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
