I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
