Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
