someone get that fucking seahorse.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
