she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Randomize
