So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
