She just used a chaser for red wine.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
