Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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