Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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