K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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