You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
