Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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