i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
