I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
