Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
