i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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