fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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