Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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