i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
